I've been avoiding writing a new entry for several days. Thirteen years ago an old sponsor recovered. Tomorrow that anniversary rolls around again.

My friend's server, where this neglected excuse of a domain currently resides, was down for several days last week. This was during Memorial Day weekend. I wanted so badly to be able to just let it all flow - all the loneliness, sorrow and pain - here in this damned blog, but was unable to. Instead, this was my only available outlet. Did it help calm these feelings of detachment and isolation? No, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this entry.

It's not just that I'm missing Tommy and the Beltway 12-step crew. It's not that I have next to no real-time interactions with other adults, recovering or "normal." It's not that tire and lube shops don't operate on Sundays so that I can justify attending the nearest UU service which is roughly a 100 mile round-trip. It's not that McDonald's hardly serves any foods without glutens even though that's the only family-friendly place to catch a quick bite while a second-rate auto shop fucks my family's budget to the tune of over $200.

It's not that the central A/C is borked and we've been forced to deal with praying for whatever cool breezes might grace an upholstered sweatbox which has no cross-ventilation. It's not that I can't run the dishwasher until some faulty kitchen wiring is fixed - and that my guys are seriously domestic housework-impaired.  There is an automatic dishwasher. Her name is Chris...

It's not that I can't do laundry at reasonable hours because the humidity exuded from the dryer is stifling. It's not that I can only bake during the wee hours also, because of the comfort issues. It's not because of the sinus and chest nastiness I'm fighting, thanks to pollens and dust wafting through constantly open windows. It's not that being four months pregnant prevents me from seeking OTC relief.

It's not that I'm frustrated with life on life's terms.

It is that I'm pissed off with the current terms of my life. I'm tired and hurting, both in body and spirit. I want to be left the fuck alone, but that's probably not such a good idea. God/dess, please help me.

Yes, this is the follow-up entry mentioned on February 12th. Will there be another? Doubtful. I've grown weary of trying to do this without anyone's feelings getting hurt. The only one who really suffers in the long run from my attempt to placate others is me. Nothing personal, folks.

For nearly two hours I've been pouring over any tidbits of wisdom with which to ease this knot in my gut. None have been forthcoming. This follows upon the heels of several days' worth of re-evaluating certain online associations. There have been changes elsewhere online. There may still be more changes as I seek to work with others in developing tangible associations based upon common ground. Simply having shared trivial pursuits in the wilds of Cyberia just doesn't seem to be enough to justify maintaining certain connections which I perceive as being rather one-way.

Again, I am tired. I am also usually in some degree of physical discomfort. And the longer this matter drags out the more likely I am to be less than diplomatic. There's been enough eloquent and/or succinct quote-worthy individuals to daisy chain a reasonable snapshot of tonight's gray matter smatterings...

"The concept of reason itself appears as an artificial attempt to separate intellectual powers from the frustrations, emotions, and accidents which cause events; the concept of reason is viewed as facade to prevent change." -  Edward Levi

"The self thus becomes aware of itself, at least in its practical action, and discovers itself as a cause among other causes and as an object subject to the same laws as other objects." - Jean Piaget

"Thus, the purposeful relationship of phenomena is based on the specificity of the stimuli, that correspond to similarly specific reactions." - Ivan Pavlov

"The paradox of reality is that no image is as compelling as the one which exists only in the mind's eye. -  Shana Alexander

There you have it. Now if you will excuse me, I've got an overdue engagement with some Biofreeze, two frozen gel packs, a couple of aspirin and some Tramadol. Tomorrow is going to be another long day.

Please pardon the roughness of this entry. This isn't a pretty time. Last night was one of the scariest ever experienced by my family and countless others in the Southeastern United States. All I want to do right now is to cry and scream at the top of my fucking lungs. Powerlessness blows.

Below is a cut & paste of the email sent with the past hour to family and Big Room friends...

Please forgive the mass email. I'd wanted to call, but all long distance circuits have been nuts since last night's tornado fest. I can't even call long-distance in-state. Anyway, we're all okay. There was much nearby damage along the eastern border of Fulton County and into Sharp County, in the cities of Ash Flat and Highland. Pat was on-call last night (he's certified for basic firefighting and emergency response now). We listened to the tri- county 911 radio traffic as nature unleashed her fury. Orson Welles' "War of the Worlds" paled in comparison

Just got home from running errands in Salem, AR and Thayer, MO. The storms affected everyone we encountered in significant personal ways in addition to the overall regional shell-shock. Not much for words right now, sorry. Anyway, Pat, the boys, all the critters and I are safe and sound.

Highland is now under National Guard protection. My family has several friends in Highland, Cherokee Village, Ash Flat and Hardy. We have no idea how any of them are. The death toll for Arkansas currently stands at 13.

Please understand if I'm not as visibly active online for the next few days. Those who need to find me- and know where/how- are more than welcome to do so. Otherwise, I'm not inclined to be cordial with strangers until I've had time to process this tragedy. Thanks for your understanding. Namaste'

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- d i r e c t o r y -

This addict's gotta cope
with this world without dope -
and man, what a mess it can be.
Life on life's terms
is a rank can of worms
when struggling to live it drug-free.

It's still easier to stay clean
than it is just to get clean,
but I didn't sign up for this shit...
On our way to the store
my family of four
got a double rear-ended hit.

WHAM-BAM-SCREEEEE!!!
Blue flash - God help me!
Can't tell the brake from the gas.
Roof and head meet,
thrown down into the seat
on a spine that's already trashed.

Herniated discs
was last month's Dx
from a nightmarish MRI.
Now the pain is so bad
and I'm so fucking mad
'cause if I use I may as well die.

It's hard to get grateful
when thrown such a platefull
of misery no one deserves.
Faith can't hold a candle
to this pain I can't handle
from emotions and physical nerves.

Hurts to lay, stand or sit.
Scared to take a shit,
and I wish I could just hug my boys.
Plus I hobble like a cripple,
but these are only a ripple
in my sea of life's now denied joys.

© fugitive247 [original]
Non-commercial personal "Fair Use" granted with proper citation.

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For the record: Today marks consecutive daily reprieve #4,538 (and a million nights).
And yes, sometimes the phone really does seem to weigh 50 lbs.